I need help analyzing a rough draft- please help!?

This journal entry requires you to review the rough draft of


the essay below. Analyze the draft according to each of the


areas listed, identifying what needs revision. For each area,


explain why and how you would change the draft. (4 paragraphs,


5 sentences each)


Analyze the essay鈥檚


鈻?Purpose and audience


鈻?Thesis statement, topic sentences, and paragraphs


鈻?Evidence


鈻?Organization





Rough Draft: E-mail vs. Letters


Instead of using e-mails, mail a letter to your grandparents.


We live in a fast-paced world. We use computers to send


e-mails and Instant Message. Nana doesn鈥檛 live in that time


zone. Forget all those fonts and emoticons or abbreviations


like LOL. You point and click but Grandpa wants to hold


something, unwrap a letter, and smell it. A crayoned picture


smells and feels special, no scanner can do that. Their


senses want to be used. He lives in a physical world, not


an invisible one. Grandparents can touch something that鈥檚


mailed. Sometimes as if touching the ink or pencil on paper


helps them touch the writer. A picture can be held and used


in so many ways. I get to see how my grandkids鈥?handwriting


is changing as they grow. I know how they feel just from the


way they write the words.


A letter gives your grandparents the real thing. A letter exists


in time and space. Even if Grandma and Grandpa e-mail you


regularly, the surprise of a mailed letter provides something


to cherish rather than to be deleted. Of course, they like getting


through the Internet a photograph of you on the day of a


special event. But a printed photograph can be put into an


album or used for a bookmark or posted on the refrigerator


for regular review. They don鈥檛 have to worry about color cartridges


or paper because you have given them what they need


in the mail. Sure, they may have a hard time reading your


handwriting. A letter is a tangible way to remind them that


you care enough to take the time and effort to communicate


with them and them alone.


The convenience and efficiency of computers can鈥檛 be matched


by regular postal service. But they sometimes bleep and blurp


in a frustrating conversation your grandparents can鈥檛 quite


hear or understand. One wrong click here and another there


can mean mass destruction. They may get a paper cut from


your letter, but sucking on a finger while reading makes their


experience more memorable and satisfying. The cut heals;


the letter remains alive.|||Transitions are needed. It feels more like a list rather than an essay...just a few pointers